Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation and the window of tolerance

The window of tolerance model, pioneered by psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel, maintains that we all have an optimal state within which we operate. When we are in our “window of tolerance”, we feel calm and grounded, able to listen, learn, be spontaneous and playful, and relaxed. When we are outside our window of tolerance, one of two things can happen:

Therapy for hyperarousal/anxiety

• When you are hyper-aroused, the sympathetic part of your nervous system becomes engaged and you can feel as though you are in fight or flight mode.
  You may experience that you have heightened energy. You can be frantic or panicked and have the physiological symptoms of a racing heart and mind. When hyperarousal reaches a clinical level, we call this anxiety. 

• In therapy, you can learn concrete skills to move from a state of hyperarousal back into your window of tolerance. While you may not go from a 10/10 anxiety level down to a 0, you can begin to gain confidence knowing that you can lower anxiety gradually through evidence-based interventions.

Therapy for hypo-arousal/depression

•  When you are hypo-aroused, you may be feeling tired, lethargic, sick, or uninspired. You may also feel numb, or like you can’t feel anything at all. You may feel immobilized or frozen, or like you’re powerless. 

• When hypo-arousal persists for a prolonged period of time, it can develop into depression. 

• In therapy, you can learn how to practice moving from a state of hypo-arousal back into your window of tolerance so you can feel more joyful, grounded, and inspired.

Practicing Emotional Regulation in Therapy

The brain is like a muscle. When synapses fire they strengthen, and when they are underused they atrophy. Because of this, we must consider that gaining control of emotions requires frequent practice to strengthen the muscle. In therapy, we engage in the following practices so you can experience emotional regulation in real-time:

Noticing the connection between thoughts and physiological sensations

When we think about something distressing, the body reacts in a stressful way. The good news is that the same is true in reverse – when we practice thinking of a calm place, a time when we felt happy, or a person that we love, our brains will flood with the neurochemicals of oxytocin, the “happy” hormone. In therapy, we can practice becoming aware of the body and visiting with difficult thoughts and emotions, and build the capacity to visit with positive thoughts and emotions. 

Re-framing negativity

Thanks to our prehistoric ancestors, our brains are wired to have a negative bias. This was so that our species could stay safe in harsh circumstances. Although we have evolved from cave-dwellers, our brains continue to be oriented towards detecting threats and predicting outcomes negatively. Through creating awareness of thoughts and employing therapies including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we can practice reframing thoughts to have a more realistic or useful take on your thoughts to improve your mental health. 

Practicing emotional regulation in therapy can help you build resilience so that you can begin to have more control over feelings in your daily life.

You don’t have to regulate your emotions alone

Many people report that they feel better, more refreshed, and confident after attending a therapy session. That is because as mammals, we are wired to be in connection with one another. 

Being connected to another person significantly helps us regulate our emotions and move into a state of calm. This process is called “co-regulation”. Co-regulation occurs when a calm and attuned person can listen to you, see you, and validate you. Sometimes people’s first experiences with being validated can occur within the context of a therapy session. 

If you grew up with caregivers who did not know how to manage their own emotions, you may not have had the experience of co-regulation needed to learn to regulate your own emotions. Part of therapy can include creating an inventory of the people in your life that you feel seen and supported by, which is essential for individual emotional regulation. 

If you’re finding it hard to employ self-regulation skills independently, you may need to start by engaging in a process of co-regulation with your therapist before being able to regulate effectively on your own.

Support is available

If you’re looking to increase your ability to regulate your emotions, or if you have questions, contact me to schedule your free consultation so we can explore what working together would look like.