Resource Review: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Hi everyone, and welcome to another edition of Tuesday Reviews-day, a series where I highlight resources/concepts that have influenced my practice. I hope that everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving weekend, and that self-care is on everyone’s mind as we move into the colder months.

Today I’ll be discussing a book that has had an impact on how I’ve framed mental health challenges:  Nedra Glover Tawwab’s 2021 book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself”.

I’d recommend paying close attention to this topic, as actively setting healthy boundaries is an essential part of fostering individual well-being and healthy relationships. If you’re wondering how saying “no” can actually help your relationships and work-performance, read on!

I came to the topic of boundaries through my work facilitating corporate wellness webinars. The company I’m working with came to me with the question of how to keep an employee base who works from home healthy, happy, and engaged in a life outside of work.

When asked about what contributes to employees feeling burnt out, staff reported that although they were working longer hours than ever before, they experienced guilt logging off before the late evening. Remote work promised to improve people’s lives by decreasing commutes and increasing the amount of personal time available. And yet, “work from home” has become synonymous with “always on”, creating a culture where immediate responsiveness is the norm and the boundary between the personal and professional is blurred.

An article in Forbes highlights that the pandemic has created a shift in work culture where people are working longer, more unfocused-hours that are riddled with distractions, including excessive meetings and the pressure to immediately respond to emails. The loss of productivity during the day pushes more focused “deep-work” outside of regular working hours, into what would otherwise be after-work time.

In my experience with the teams I’ve worked with, people start off enthusiastically wanting to do well, which can be a barrier to setting work-life boundaries. When boundaries become blurred over an extended period of time, people begin to feel too worn down to assess what needs to shift in their lives, leading to poor work quality, lowered workplace morale, gossip, and resentment.

The same concept of how wanting to do well can lead to burnout also exists in relationships with family and friends. We all want to be there for the people we care about and do what we can to make our loved ones happy. However, when we do that at the expense of our own wellbeing, we can deplete the essential resources (time, money, energy) that we need to be able to maintain our own mental and physical health.

So! Without further ado, here are some concepts from Tawwab’s book that you may find helpful in understanding and setting personal and professional boundaries with four easy steps.

Step 1: Define Boundaries

Simply put, boundaries require two essential components:

1)     A realistic assessment and awareness of your own unique emotional, mental, and physical capacity and values.  This requires taking space and time to reflect and get to know yourself, and for many of us, that can require therapeutic support. It can be difficult to reflect when you’re feeling hopeless, but this is an essential part of the boundary-setting process.

2)     Clear communication.  Boundaries help us to make our expectations clear to both ourselves and others, being explicit about what we will accept from people and what they can expect from you. Setting boundaries includes the skill of learning to say no without apologizing, because it’s the healthiest choice for you. Having good boundaries also means that you can hear no without taking it personally.

 Step 2: Assess If You Need Better Boundaries

Below are some signs that Tawwab identifies may highlight that you need better boundaries. I encourage you to review these and see which ones may apply to you. If you reply “yes” to any of these questions, it may be a sign that you can learn to set better boundaries to improve your life.

• You feel overwhelmed

• You have a hard time saying no to others

• You struggle to ask for help

• You’ve lost interest in things that used to bring you joy

• You have no time for yourself

• You frequently daydream about dropping everything and disappearing

• Your feelings are easily hurt by criticism or disapproval from others

• You have the thought that you help people and get nothing in return

•  Your relationships feel difficult and draining

• ·You feel resentment towards people for asking for your help

Step 3: Assess Your Unique Needs

Often in my practice I find myself reminding my clients that that humans are not robots. As much as you wish that you could work effectively and have satisfying relationships while running on empty, I’m sorry to report that it’s just not possible.

I want you to take out a pen and write down right now: what do you need to be healthy and happy?

Here are a few examples:

• 8 hours of sleep a night

• An organized home environment

• A quiet space to work/study

• Healthy food to nourish the body

• Designated time off to disconnect from work

• Fresh air and time spent in nature

• Breaks from social media and/or alcohol

• One or two close relationships

• Time to move the body

Once you identify what your needs are, it’ll be easier to set boundaries around them and to engage in self-care practices.

Consider this: there is no self-care without boundaries. You need to identify what you need to stay healthy, and make the time to engage in those practices by saying no to what gets in the way of self-care.

I feel compelled to add a caveat here, and what I’ve seen has been one of the criticisms of Tawwab’s book – sometimes there are societal and structural factors that make it difficult to set boundaries and we can’t put the onus of wellbeing entirely on individuals. Consider the single mom who works long hours, or folks who shoulder the responsibility of caring for elderly or sick family members. Clearly, the way that women, the different-abled, and the elderly are treated is a societal/structural issue, and there are outside factors that influence mental health and wellbeing.

However, even in circumstances where there are many demands, responsibilities, and injustices, there are still small ways to set boundaries that can lead to relief. While advocacy at a societal level is important, taking responsibility for your life and happiness means changing what you can, and there is always room to make shifts.

Step 4: Communicate Your Needs In A Respectful/Assertive Way in All Areas of Your Life

Tawaab’s book outlines 5 buckets where we could all benefit from asserting boundaries, and I’ve shared a few pieces I’ve found influential under each category. Once you figure out where you may benefit from setting boundaries, you may think of how to communicate what you need in a way that is clear and assertive. When you communicate your boundaries, it is often the case that people push back as it now means that they may have to alter their plans/behaviors/expectations. It’s essential to practice distress tolerance around letting other people down - just because other people are unhappy with your decision, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision. It’s okay to sometimes let others down for the good of your own wellbeing.

I invite you to scroll through and consider the buckets you believe you may benefit from setting better boundaries around 1) family, 2) romantic relationships 3) friendships 4) work and 5) social media and technology.

Family:

Having boundaries with parents, siblings, and other relatives is a sign of maturity and individuation. Tawwab says it best when she writes:  “You become an adult when you set boundaries with your parents. An essential part of becoming an adult is being your own guide. As you feel more comfortable being an adult, you start to lean further away from being ruled by your parents. In some cases, your parents might suggest that setting boundaries is disrespectful. But it isn’t disrespectful when done with care”.

Setting boundaries in your family can mean voicing whether or not you are able to meet obligations that the family places on you. While it can be difficult to challenge a family dynamic, boundaries within the family can actually lead to more sustainable long-term relationships as you bring to your family what you reasonably can.

Romantic Relationships:

Clarity saves romantic relationships. It’s important to share in a relationship “contract” what the hopes for a relationship are, what values may be important to each person, and how to handle disputes. This can include navigating time as a couple and distributing tasks and responsibilities. Speaking about expectations should be explicit in order to minimize miscommunication.

Friendships:

Friendships often lack the boundaries that romantic or family relationships may have. What each person needs from a friendship can vary widely, so clarity and communication can be used to set expectations and explicitly discuss what each person may need. I often support people to voice hurts and expectations in their friendships, as many people are not used to practicing boundaries and clarity in these relationships.

Work:

Because a significant part of my work includes supporting people to set boundaries at work, here are a few examples of what boundary issues may look like, how to spot a toxic work environment, and some key phrases you can use to practice assertiveness.

Boundaries in the workplace may look like:

• Doing work for others / not delegating

• Not taking advantage of vacation days

• Saying yes to tasks you can’t reasonably complete

• Frequently working during downtime

• Being asked about personal issues
  
  A toxic work environment may include:

• A culture of gossip

•   Cliques among co-workers

• An unreasonable expectation of hours worked
  
  Boundaries at work can sound like:

• “If you want to chat, let’s set at time, that way I can focus on our conversation

• “Thank you for inviting me to hang out with you this weekend, I won’t be able to make it”

• “I don’t check work emails on the weekend” or “I cannot work past __ pm”

• “I’d prefer not to grab drinks after work, how about a workout class?”

• “I won’t be able to take on additional projects at this time since I’m currently working on _____”

Social Media:

Boundaries around technology can include using  your computer/phone for excessive periods of time leading to mental, emotional, and relational challenges. The addictive nature of social media and the negative impact of excessive digital use is well documented. Setting clear time restrictions around digital-use can be important to free up the necessary time to engage in self care.

So there it is, everybody!

I sincerely hope that you feel inspired to set better boundaries because you deserve to feel successful at work and satisfied in your personal life.

Have a wonderful week,
Jenn